Fall update

I caught a cold and had to be absent from school because of it. Last week I felt like I'd been absent longer than a week. On the plus side, I got to stay home with my parents for a week. Loved it. Still a bit sniffly, though. I hope this won't go into my sinuses. -.-

It's getting to the point now that it's dark when I wake up in the morning at seven. It's harder to wake up like that, really. Last week it was dark, windy and rainy every day; Saturday was sunny, but cold. I wish there more days like that coming.

Fall is almost over and winter is slowly coming. I'm burning candles, drinking hot chocolate and watching Doctor Who to survive this dark bit, before the snow falls.

Nothing much been happening, been busy with Uni projects, still a lot to do for today, but I won't stress about it. I'll get things done, when I get them done.

Fall; creative angst

It's really tragic that I want to write/draw something something dramatic, but I feel like it'd be too much and too personal.... So I won't do it... -.-

It's full fall now, over here and cloudy and grey most of the time. The only colour comes from the changing leaves. I even changed my music to Blackmore's Night and other such things, my fall collection, you might call it. For some reason autumn always makes me feel like I want to create fantasy things. Draw, paint, even write! It keeps my mind busy.

This fall, I've really not have had the time to do this, as I've two courses that take most  of my free time. I've got to read classic novels, not too bad, as I enjoy reading, but there are too many books! The other course is academic writing, and we have to write three 1,000-1,500 word essays this semester and three more during spring. I like writing too, academic or otherwise, but the first topic was boring as hell. I wish the next one is more interesting.

I get a lot of painting ideas all the time, but can't find the time to realise them. It's really getting to me... I think, I'll paint one or two things today... As I've one sketch done and just got another idea. -.-

I really wish there was a button where I could turn my imagination off, though. P:

Sex stuff I've been wondering

So yeah, probably gonna get weird for some people, but I got to vent a little. Thanks to this article and the comments.

Let's start with my pet peeve; threesome. Never had one, hope I never will. It would just triple the mess.
But my point is this:
MFM - "not okay and gay," say the boys / "could be hot," say the girls (some girls are pretty enthusiastic about this one)
FMF - "hell yes," say the boys / "could be hot or not," say the girls
MFF - "hell yes," say the boys / "could be hot or not," say the girls (depending on orientation)

And those are apparently the only options. Oh, how boring we are.
Mostly I think threesomes are fantasy material, because who, really, wants to share their significant other that way? I know it wouldn't be a problem for me, but I'm weird that way (ask and I'll try to explain). Most people in the comments said that they wouldn't do it with a girl they wanted to be intimate with longer.

And what the hell is it with guys wanting to see two girls going at it?! ... And at the same time not understanding if some girls want to see two guys doing it. And all the boys in the comments (yes, I read them through) seemed to think all women were at least bi, or then would do anything to please their man. Annoying!

And then there's the problem of facials. Now don't get me started. >.<
I, personally, have no idea about the consistency of semen, but I know that I wouldn't want that stuff in my eyes or hair. I've heard that it stings like hell and you can't get it washed out of your hair, even when it's fresh.
And wouldn't it be a hassle to suddenly jump up from the lower section, wobble over and jab the other person to the face with your meat stick? I mean, really? Isn't sex messy and difficult enough without those kind of acrobatics?

So yeah, as you can see, I'm not really pro-sex at the moment. ^^'
I think it's because it's almost three o'clock in the morning, I'm annoyed, and just bored of sex pouring out of every tube. :P

Off to bed now. Good night. =.= Gonna write about something more sensible later...

Summer festivals, TV and money issues

It's Ilosaari Rock festival this weekend here in Joensuu. I don't even live in the centre of town, but I think my downstairs neighbour is having a party with her balcony door open. -.- Noisy! But it's Friday, so I'm not complaining.


I'll go tell them if they plan on continuing till one or two AM, though.


I hope the music's not coming from the festival, because if it is, it'll go on constantly, the whole weekend. And that won't do. I'd need earplugs.


-


I've recently really gotten into Doctor Who and by proxy into Torchwood. Because Jack Harkness. <3


I first thought he was a bit plasticky, but the man really grows on you. It's wonderful to see a character that can love anyone and anything, despite gender, race or species. I love the way he can make people feel needed and I actually think he loves every one of them. One of my friends called Jack omnisexual, or pansexual.


Pansexuality is love (sexual/romantic/emotional attraction) toward people of all gender identities and biological sexes. In Oxford English Dictionary pansexuality is defined as  "not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity."


I know this because I define myself as such, too. ;P




And then to Doctor Who. ^^'


Sometimes I wonder how the Doctor can like us humans... Come to think all the horrible things people do and have done in the series... Most of the stuff's really horrid, but still he likes us. There might be one or two people that are enormously brave and good, but then there's always ten stupid people making bad decisions... 


And as an end note. I absolutely love the way all kinds of love is treated as normal in both Doctor who and Torchwood. You can love a person of the opposite sex, and that's normal. You can love a person of the same sex, and that's normal, too. You can even love a creature of a different species, and even that is normal. Oh, how I wish that would sometimes become the reality!


-


I've been stressing about money a lot this summer... Because my work barely pays my rent... -.- Yes, my apartment is way too expensive, but it was all I could have when I had to move here. Anyway, a week ago I sent a request to get money from the Social Welfare and today they called me.


I had forgotten a few things from the application, but luckily I had just finished cleaning one place and had my lunch break coming. So, off to the bank I go... and then to the Social Insurance Institution and finally to take the papers into the social welfare office... *PUF* There went my lunch break. -.-
But I did get the money, so I'm not complaining, although I almost fainted in the last place I was cleaning. ^^'


So, I'll get the money on Monday, and won't have to stress for a bit, now. Besides my folks are coming over next week and I can't wait. <3


Okay, been up since half past five this morning, I think I ought to go to bed already. =.= But I want to draw!

About school, crafts and summer jobs

I've felt a bit off after grandfather's funeral two weeks ago. Like something's not right, I'm floating, I feel like I'm forgetting something all the time.
...
And then I feel worried about these headaches I've got. I'm keeping a so called headache diary, but how often is too often when it comes to headaches? It's really annoying, more than anything else.

The stress state I feel like I'm in makes me want to eat all the time, and it's extremely annoying, because I've lost two kilos since January, and I don't want to gain them back. But all I need is a bit of will-power and a treat now and then.

School's going well, there's nothing really to worry about there, but I'm still stressing about some of the exams that are already looming, and that gets me cranky sometimes, because there's nothing too much to worry about. I've already got enough study points not to lose my student allowance. And I'm pretty sure I'll pass most of the exams easy, or if not easy, then without too much stressing. I'm just annoyed with the Grammar 1 course, because I can't get the terms inside my head.

Enough whining, this was supposed to be a light entry. :P

I've been making cowls, and I just love it. I've made one for mum and another for myself. They're so quick and easy to make, you can play around with yarn or doing cables. Then I've got this lace shawl, I've been making for ages and feel too lazy finishing it - and I've only got three more lines in the model to make! But next I think, I'll finish my little vest, because it is older, and easier. ;)

I'd already almost settled with the idea that I'd not be getting even invitations to any summer job interviews, and I've been more active than ever about trying to get them, but I've got an interview tomorrow, so I'm feeling carefully optimistic. This is the first summer I'd have to seriously get money from somewhere, because I'm worried about my rent and food. I would prefer to earn my own keep, but if that doesn't happen, I can go to the social services... But I don't like that idea.

Anyways, now I'll go over to my book blog and write a bit about The Bluest Eye.

White hair
Though frosts come down
night after night,
what does it matter?
they melt in the morning sun.
Though the snow falls
each passing year,
what does it matter?
with spring days it thaws.
Yet once let them settle
on a man's head,
fall and pile up,
go on piling up—
then the new year
may come and go,
but never you'll see them fade away
~Ryokan

My grandfather - mother's father - died last Sunday. He was perhaps the closest to me from the four grandparents, and also the last one to go.
He lost consciousness between Wednesday and Thursday - it was a massive brain hemorrhage, and finally succumbed a week later on Sunday. It was no surprise that he went, he'd been suffering from aneurysm for years, but I still feel it. Now probably more than when grandmother died, because now I'm alone, far from my family.

I take comfort in that in the last night of consciousness, he danced with his nurses at the hospital, had fun. I remember him as the funny old man, who always had time for me and played with me when I was younger, though we lived miles and miles apart. In my sadness I remind myself that he is where he is supposed to be and that he lived a good life.

As always death reminds me of the importance of life and not taking anything for granted. Try to hold on to the important people, tell them you love them and never take them for granted. Good night.

A bit about past lives

Stop reading if you don't believe in this stuff!!

I've been having odd flashbacks all week, feelings that have nothing to do with my current situation...

And I've been thinking about my fears, from my childhood and now.

There's one thing I've been wondering for a couple of years now; as a child I was sometimes scared of my father... and I mean dead afraid. And he's never, ever, done anything that would cause it. And as an adult woman, I've noticed my aversion of... well, getting anything, and I mean anything, inside of me. You know what I mean, and if you don't, don't ask. These are a couple of my biggest problems...

So, I decided to try some meditation tonight. I light my incense and candles and lie down. Immediately I feel that something's wrong.

I get the normal dizzying feeling, like I'm going round and round on the floor. But then I feel my eyes starting to flutter and trying to stay closed and open at the same time and I start feeling afraid. I see a black expanse of water, no sky, just black, black water. I feel like curling up in the boat I'm in and I seriously feel my body starting to shake - physically, the body on the floor, not the one in the little boat. Then I see snow covered hills, like in Lapland, I step out of the boat into the icy water and get to the snowy shore. My ankles tingle and my body gives a huge shudder and I start crying.

I have stop here and come out of the trance. I can't go on any further. I sit up from the floor and try to stop crying. I still shudder, but I know it'll pass.

I stopped the meditation about fifteen minutes ago, and I'm still shaking and I'm having some difficulties breathing. So I think this is a meditation I'm going to need help with. I really need to know what's happening.
Anyone have any hints?

Happy new year

Feeling the damn Sunday Blues... I want to draw all the time, but once I set my pencil on the paper all the ideas jumble together and I can't get a grasp on one. Blah.

I've decided to move more this year and after this week, having been swimming twice and dancing a bit, I've noticed that I also feel mentally better after exercising. And next Saturday I'm starting a self-defense course. I can't wait.

I'm dead tired at the moment, but it's not for lack of sleeping. It's because of my downstairs neighbour has noisy visitors. Last night, between four and five, I had to go knocking and asking them to be quiet. I was surprised that it actually worked. I do hope they'll be quiet tonight, because I'd really need a good night's sleep. -.-

Now I really got to start my analysis on Virginia Woolf's The New Dress.